Some Reflections

First off I have to thank McCryssy for the wonderful sunshine award. I will have to go about the business of fulfulling those requirements at a later time. But for now, on to the blogging.

It's been some time since my last post but I am happy to write again. It's so hard to find free time to really write a substantial blog. Right now the newest little performer in our circus is demanding much of my time. While I knew that motherhood would be a full time job and would be incredibly demanding, I was blissfully unaware of how completely all consuming it truly is. I am now terrible at returning phone calls and remembering to follow through on visits. Really by the time I get myself together so that I can actually do something I am later than I would like and it's close to either bedtime or naptime. Whew, what a hectic schedule.

Today, I did feel rather accomplished because I was able to finish multiple loads of laundry and fix a complete meal for myself for dinner. Why I cook so much is beyond me. I'm usually the only one around for dinner :-(

I'm trying to find that balance between motherhood and being a wife and it's really hard. I'm constantly upset with my husband because I often feel like I am alone in many of the household chores. This week he's taking an overnight fishing trip with his friends and it is taking everything I have not to disable his car so that he can't go. This will be the first time that I will be completely alone overnight with the baby. Needless to say I am a bit overwhelmed and the thought of the upcoming trip. I'm also very resentful. I resent the fact that my husband sees no problem with leaving me alone with our small child. While I am currently a stay at home mom, I rely on him to come home and give me that small respite so that I can finish a chore or take a breather or just get a quick shower. I also rely on him to give me some much needed adult contact. I don't think that he completly understands that I am very alone during the day when I am with the baby. It's hard to get him to grasp that.

Also, I never realized what an undertaking breastfeeding would be. Right now I'm going strong at three months but I find it difficult to not just throw in the towel and just completely formula feed. I didn't know how much of a commitment of my time it would be. I didn't know that breastfed babies are hungrier more often that formula fed babies. While I love the feelings of attachment that it is helping to foster, it also puts me at a disadvantage because sometimes the only person that can soothe my little one is me. I love that it makes me feel needed but it also drains me. I am in desperate need of a recharge.

While this blog tonight has been cathartic, I have to end it here. There is so much more that I have realized on this journey that I have embarked upon. I am taking it day by day and growing stronger slowly but surely.

I thank God for my life and for all of the performers in this little circus of ours.