First off I have to thank McCryssy for the wonderful sunshine award. I will have to go about the business of fulfulling those requirements at a later time. But for now, on to the blogging.
It's been some time since my last post but I am happy to write again. It's so hard to find free time to really write a substantial blog. Right now the newest little performer in our circus is demanding much of my time. While I knew that motherhood would be a full time job and would be incredibly demanding, I was blissfully unaware of how completely all consuming it truly is. I am now terrible at returning phone calls and remembering to follow through on visits. Really by the time I get myself together so that I can actually do something I am later than I would like and it's close to either bedtime or naptime. Whew, what a hectic schedule.
Today, I did feel rather accomplished because I was able to finish multiple loads of laundry and fix a complete meal for myself for dinner. Why I cook so much is beyond me. I'm usually the only one around for dinner :-(
I'm trying to find that balance between motherhood and being a wife and it's really hard. I'm constantly upset with my husband because I often feel like I am alone in many of the household chores. This week he's taking an overnight fishing trip with his friends and it is taking everything I have not to disable his car so that he can't go. This will be the first time that I will be completely alone overnight with the baby. Needless to say I am a bit overwhelmed and the thought of the upcoming trip. I'm also very resentful. I resent the fact that my husband sees no problem with leaving me alone with our small child. While I am currently a stay at home mom, I rely on him to come home and give me that small respite so that I can finish a chore or take a breather or just get a quick shower. I also rely on him to give me some much needed adult contact. I don't think that he completly understands that I am very alone during the day when I am with the baby. It's hard to get him to grasp that.
Also, I never realized what an undertaking breastfeeding would be. Right now I'm going strong at three months but I find it difficult to not just throw in the towel and just completely formula feed. I didn't know how much of a commitment of my time it would be. I didn't know that breastfed babies are hungrier more often that formula fed babies. While I love the feelings of attachment that it is helping to foster, it also puts me at a disadvantage because sometimes the only person that can soothe my little one is me. I love that it makes me feel needed but it also drains me. I am in desperate need of a recharge.
While this blog tonight has been cathartic, I have to end it here. There is so much more that I have realized on this journey that I have embarked upon. I am taking it day by day and growing stronger slowly but surely.
I thank God for my life and for all of the performers in this little circus of ours.
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Ok... First... HUGS!!! We've all been down this path. I think I reached this point when the little lady was close to four months (so you're right on target) ;) It's an incredibly hard job to be a sahm and it's incredibly lonely with the first baby. I remember cooking big meals that only I ate (obviously, the kid had no teeth) and I remember the hubs going on trips. Leaving me alone to breastfeed all day and watch endless hours of Law and Order. I decided to join MOMS Club. I'm not one to get up and go meet people, but I knew that hanging around the house and making up little projects for myself wasn't going to cut it much longer (I was actually starting to talk to strangers at Target for some human interaction). MOMS Club gave me an opportunity to be around other moms who were going through the same thing and gave baby insta-friends that she would just sit with and drool. MOMS Club isn't for everyone. There's also MOPS (joined MOPS last year), Mocha Moms and a host of other playgroups or mommy groups you can join just for some socializing. The support you'll get from other moms will be a great help to your psyche. I know you don't have much time to talk or do anything for yourself, but feel free to call any time. I'll FB you my phone number. You're doing an amazing job as Aska's mommy and Damian's wife. You can do this. XOXO
ReplyDeleteThanks again for all the kind words girly. I was reading this again and it was just really nice to see :-)
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